Which Way Ya Gonna Choose Lady?

I was listening to a podcast the other day, it’s called “We Can Do Hard Things” by Glennon Doyle. She was talking about how she had a slip back into her eating disorder and she felt like she was standing on a landing of a large staircase. Up was into the sun, and down was into the darkness. And for now, she was just standing there. Deciding which way to go.

I listened to that, and it sort of took my breath away.

Not because I am struggling with food in the way she was struggling. I am not back in my ED behaviors. But….I have been sitting in a weird place lately, and that landing analogy spoke to me in volumes.

I have been wrestling with where I should be in my life at 51 years old. As my children grow up and need me less and less, I am struggling to remember what my purpose has been. I gave up my career years ago to be a mom. Being a mom filled my cup for so many years, and now I just don’t know exactly what to do. I don't know where to go.

It’s sort of like an identity crisis of sorts. But not one brought on by anything other than I am trying to find where I fit in a world that suddenly seems like it doesn’t have such a purposeful place for me.

I’ve always been good at making sure the entire world was happy before myself. I made sure the kids and Jason had what they needed whenever they needed it. I drove the kids where they needed to be. I centered my life on those around me. And now that they are all doing well and making their own paths…..I am struggling with where I fit. It’s like the puzzle of my life is filled in, and the one remaining piece with no home IS me.

So when I heard that podcast, I realized…..I am on that landing. I have my moments of deep and profound sadness. Sadness at the impending empty nest, sadness at my loss of purpose, sadness at the changes. But I also have moments of profound happiness as I watch my family thrive and see the great strides they are making in this world. So I’m just standing here…..watching it all happen, and wondering where I’m going. Up or down. Into the light of the unknown, or into the dark yet comfortable place.

I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and trying to find ways to feel complete within myself again. I have a new job. I’m putting my desire to nurture into a new place that will hopefully help other little lives better because I am in them. I’ve made major dietary changes. Not because I want to lose weight, but because I want to feel better. And I DO! I’m putting more effort into my marriage relationship because this is the connection that will carry me through the next years. Long story short……I’m working on me. Trying to find a new version with a new purpose.

So I’m standing on the landing. And I’m trying to climb. And even though it’s lighter at the top, it’s new and unfamiliar and different. But it’s the future. And I need to embrace it.

Thanks Glennon. I guess I CAN do hard things. (She's been my hero for quite a while now, and now this is just another reason.)