The Last of the Firsts

Yesterday was a first for me.  A first last.   That may sound weird, but I’ve been thinking a lot about them lately.   

Yesterday marked 11 months that Jason has been gone, and the first day of the last month of firsts I will have without him.   Does that make sense?

Since he has passed, everyone keeps talking about the firsts.   You have to get through the firsts, and it will be hard.   And let me tell you, it has been SO FUCKING HARD.   First holidays, first birthdays.   I’m coming up on first anniversary.   Every 19th of every month.   First May, First July…..the list goes on and on.   

Yesterday it hit me pretty hard that this is my last month of firsts.   And then….. this is just my life.   My life without him.   I won’t have anymore memories with him to relive for the first/last time.   And that is gut wrenching.   

Up until now, I knew that each month I would have memories of the year before to remember.  But realizing there are no more new memories to have breaks my heart into a million pieces over and over each day.   Your Death, Big Daddy, is the most unfair thing I have ever had to endure.

You see what I have found, is that it is true, the firsts are so hard.   The holidays were hard without him, his birthday, random Tuesdays…but when those firsts are done, I am still left sitting here with a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon and years of missing him and wishing he was here.  When those firsts are done…I am still without him.  

I don’t get any more “new” memories to remember.   In 28 days I will have had every memory I get to have with him.   And my heart breaks for that realization.   I will have them over and over and over again, but there will never be a new one.   There will never be another thing I have to endure for the first time.   And in a strange way, that is just one more thing I have to grieve

When those firsts are done….he is still dead.  And my heart is still broken.

Facing the firsts was really hard.   But knowing there are no more is another kind of heartache.

I try to find the good.   I have 28 days of memories left.   And one of them involves a stack of stolen cups in my cupboard, and another is the name of my mom’s wifi.   IYKYK and you laugh a lot.  Love you Big Daddy