What's in YOUR Handbag?

I love to look back on all the great memories of my children. Of the funny things that they said or did, or the times they LITERALLY melted my heart or made it explode with pride. When the girl child cried at her chocolate chip ice cream because "I don't want that dirty Ice cream!" Or when the boy would look at the sky and exclaim "Look at the moon!!"

I see them graduating, going to college, living really terrific lives. I remember all the cheer competitions I sat through for my daughter and the wrestling meets for my son. I have etched clearly in my memory all the stages of their lives, and it makes me so proud.

And you might think as I see them growing and becoming the adults I always knew they would be, I would be beaming with pride at my accomplishments as a mother. Unfortunately, I am realizing that I am starting to unpack some other feelings about being a mom.

Let me explain....

I remember the one and only time my grandma Dorothy saw me pregnant, she told me that when you have a baby, it arrives with a handbag. (yes, you read that right, A HANDBAG) And you might think that the handbag is full of happy new baby things, but really it is full of guilt. Keep it closed. You'll always know it's there, but it's not worth looking in.

I didn’t understand what she meant for a long time, but I think I am getting it now. As I see my two beautiful kids becoming such amazing people, as I look through pictures while preparing a senior slideshow, I am struck by how many times I find myself thinking not of the great success I have had as a parent, but the times I perceive as failures. The times I feel guilty for. Instead of relishing in the success of what’s in front of me, I’m looking in my handbag.

And that purse is full of painful memories where I feel like I let them down. When I yelled too much, when I didn’t have patience, when I snapped at them….sometimes even when I lost my temper and felt angry, like really furiously ANGRY at them. When I cursed. When I screamed and cried. (You see the pattern here??)

So, I decided to do something radical. I decided to face them.

I was on a longer drive a week or so ago, and I was thinking about this topic, and I decided it was time to act. So I called my daughter (because honestly, I was afraid to have this conversation face to face), and I said….”I’m going to ask you some weird, and potentially hard things, and I need you to promise to be honest with me. Promise me.”

She agreed, so I asked…..”When you think back about me being you mom….do you think about the times when I was a bad mom? When I yelled. When I said hurtful things. Do you remember that? Because I feel an immense amount of guilt for some things I have done, and if you do think about those things, or you don’t, I want to tell you I’m sorry. I could have been better.”

And she was quiet for a second (and my heart nearly broke) and she said, “I don’t ever think of you as a bad mom. I can’t think of a time you were. When I look back on my childhood I remember being loved.”

And I said (partially because I didn't believe her, and partially because I can't leave things alone), “You don’t have to keep things from me. I want the truth, and I REALLY want you to know I’m sorry.”

And she said, “Okay mom, but I just don’t see it that way.”

I thanked her and ended the conversatiion.

Tit came to me like a flash. “I just don’t see it that way.” I felt better. Maybe for her words, or maybe for the fact that I apologized for my perceived misgivings. I felt so much better, and ......so much lighter.

And then it hit me.....

My handbag was empty.

Instead of carrying around all the things I had felt I’d failed at for the last 20 years, I dumped my purse out on the floor and dealt with the mess at the bottom. And I felt better.

Could I have don’t things better? Sometimes. Could I have not yelled as much? Hell yes. But my kids were loved and cared for and supported. And that is what they remember. They never saw me as a failure, just as their mom.

I guess I just wanted to put this out there to whoever needs to hear it......EMPTY YOUR DAMNED HANDBAG! I promise you don't need that weight anymore.