Truth for Today.

I woke up last night and the feelings and thoughts were there. No rolling over and going to sleep. Just me, in the dark, with my thoughts.

I woke up this morning with the feelings and thoughts there. First thing. No thinking about what I was going to do today. No “oh what a beautiful day.” Just the thoughts and feelings.

I got up. I got dressed. I drank coffee, checked my phone, ate some food. And all this time, I have had the same thoughts and feelings.

You are fat. You are ugly. You are worthless. If only you’d do XYZ, you are failing once again. Sad. Dark. Ugly. Stupid. Fat. You should eat this. Carbs are an enemy. You shouldn’t eat this. Okay, yes, today is the day. We begin the program. We start the thing that will fix it. (although you will probably fail.). Analyze everything you eat, do, say. What should I plan for dinner? It’s probably too late. Make sure it’s got veggies. Don’t eat the fried. Potatoes are definitely bad. Fruit…but not too much. Your pants are too tight. I felt that jiggle. Fat. Stupid. Ugly.

All. Day. Long.

Every. Day.

For at least a few weeks.

This has been my day.

Yes, I have been able to fill in with smiles and laughs and keeping the wheels turning. I’ve celebrated, I’ve laughed. You probably wouldn’t even notice the shift.

But under each of these things…..the feelings and thoughts are screaming at me.

ALL. DAY. LONG.

I am 50 years old.

And tonight I will go to bed, and I will think. And it will be there. And tomorrow it will start again.

I’m tired.

I don’t want sympathy. I know what to do, and I have done it. I have contacted my doctor. I have contacted my therapist. I have talked to my husband. I have spoken out loud the feelings I am having.

But this is what an eating disorder feels like. I don’t know exactly what triggered me this time….it’s actually been years since it’s been this bad. The difference now is that I recognize it. I ignored it for a few weeks, but I can’t ignore it anymore. It’s time to address it before I find myself with my head in the toilet hiding my actions from those I love.

It’s more than “put down the pizza and go for a walk.” It’s an all-encompassing feeling of failure and lack of control. It isn’t just for the young, and it isn’t always obvious to what you see. It’s insidious and it can strike when you least expect it.

And I’m putting it here, because I want to be better. I’m doing the things I need to do to take the power back.

I know I’m strong. I know I’ll win.

I just needed to put this darkness into the light today.

Thanks.