Things I Want to Burn

Things I want to burn. Sounds dramatic right??

This is a list I started a while back on my phone when I started thinking about writing again. Topics I feel like I need to work through. Things I need to process and let go of. Things I can't really ever forget, but I can begin to heal.

This is my list. It's not open for discussion or judgement. It's just something I need to keep with me to remind me why I am doing this. Why I am writing and working on hard subjects, and trying at 50 years old to bring balance into my life.

THINGS I WANT TO BURN

**(as taken from Tina's iphone, and knowing this list is fluid and can be added to or deleted from at any point, because it's MINE!)

1. My food addiction and life long obsession with my body not being good enough.

2. The shame I feel from being used by men and taught that I am not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.

3. The shame I feel from promiscuity and lies

4. The sadness i feel about A's early life

5. College choices that have haunted me

6. The anger I feel about my failed marriage

7. The pressure I put on myself to make the world happy.

8. My desire to numb my life, to live in the nothing that food and booze bring.

9. Waking up every morning and hating my body and feeling every inch of it as I feel every curve and roll and squishy part and hate it.

10. Doing, being, feeling, living, for only others before myself

11. Not feeling good enough. Ever.

12. SHAME. All of it.

Putting this list out there is kind of scary. Putting this list out where others can read it is making me vulnerable and open to criticism. But mostly, putting this list out there is removing some of the power it holds over me. Until today it was a list on my phone that only my eyes could see. It was a reminder of things I feel insecure and sad about. It was a list of things that give me shame.

Today I am sharing my list not for sympathy, but for strength. My strength. I'm putting into the light things that have shamed me for years. Things I'm beginning to be ready to work through and let go of. I'm not keeping it in the dark in a place I visit only when I am feeling low. Keeping it private has made it a weapon I use on myself when I'm feeling vulnerable and sad. I'm putting it out there to see. To ponder. To work on. To heal.

Be ready. The kindling is started. I'm starting to think I'm ready to add the fuel.