Nobody Wants to Talk About Endings

Mortality is a thing I don’t like to talk about. None of us do.

Beginnings are much more fun. Birth. It’s joyous. Beginnings are exciting. The future is so hopeful and filled with possibility.

Sometimes things happen in life that force us to look at ourselves and realize that maybe we need to spend a little time focused more purposefully on what time is left in our life, because unfortunately time isn't unlimited.

I had a pretty big health scare about a week ago. It’s not really something I want to get into super detail into here on the “interwebs”, but it involved the ER, lots of tests, and a hospital stay. The good news is, I am fine. In fact, all the tests show I’m really in good health. The bad news is, the doctors say it can happen again, and I have to be aware and vigilant and careful……and it scares me. It scares me to have no control. It scares me I don’t know if it’s coming again. It scares me to feel weak. I don’t like thinking about my health in a way that it could be anything other than strong. I hate that I scared people I love.

I spent the better part of last week in a haze of scared and mad. I was angry that this possibility had even entered my world. Honestly, I still am. I don’t like looking at my own mortality, and last week it walked up, kicked me in the ass, knocked me down, and teased me like the school yard bully.

I guess tonight as I was sitting alone and thinking about a visit I had to the doctor today, that I didn’t want to just be the victim of this situation anymore. He didn't tell me I'd be fine. I don’t want to be angry about it. I don’t want to just allow this “thing” to invade my happiness. I don’t want THIS to be my turning point. This , this chaos could easily invade my thoughts and steal my possibility.

I don’t want THIS to be anything other than the moment I publicly state that the life I have lived until this moment has had incredible meaning and beauty, and I am absolutely certain in the years, months, days, hours, minutes, or seconds I have left….that there with be SO MUCH more.

This is MY purposeful takeaway from my visit with my mortality.

I give it no more energy.