I Wonder If I Will See My Shadow....

I feel like I have been living in the movie Groundhog Day. You know the one where the day just repeats itself over and over and over again until the protagonist finally gets it right?

That feels a little like how I have been living, although I don’t think it’s this way until I learn my lesson, I’m a little afraid I may have been putting myself into this purgatory on my own volition.

We have been dealing with some things over here that have kept me on high alert. Some kid issues which aren’t mine to share. Some personal issues which I have shared on here. And, of course, we ALL have the family dynamics to deal with.

I know it’s been a lot on me, because this past weekend I ended up with a sick migraine. Like the kind that puts you to bed and makes you so sick you puke kind. And I don’t get those. Like hardly ever. And I think I knew it was coming, because I remember telling Jason earlier that day that I just didn’t feel well. I literally stressed myself into sickness, saw the sickness coming, and just let it happen! And it SUCKED.

In a weird sort of way, I realized that I had chosen to be miserable instead of trusting that things could be okay. Like, holding on to the fears and worries was becoming all encompassing, and somehow, I had lost sight of everything else on my path.

All these worries. All of them…are out of my control. No matter how much I wish I could make all of it go away for myself and for those that I love, I just can’t.

It’s out of my hands.

And no matter how hard I try to control it, how hard I try to focus on it, how hard I will it to be different, I can’t change it.

So, I’m going to attempt to quit trying.

WHAT???? (You can envision my brain swirling above my head at this point. Haha)

For the Virgo in me who craves control, this is a challenge, but one that I recognize now I must accept. When my need to be in control makes me sick, makes my life harder, then it is time to let it go, and see what tomorrow brings. I can’t fix everything. And in trying to, I think I have been slowly breaking parts of myself.

So today I woke up feeling a little different. Like maybe it won’t be just like yesterday. Today I can say it’s okay to be cautious about things that are happening around me, but I can’t always control the outcome. Today I can say that I am trying to keep all the chaos I have been carrying at arm’s length, with the knowledge I will deal with what I need to WHEN it comes up. But until then…. I need not worry (as much).

So, like Punxsutawney Phil in the movie, I am stepping out of my cave into the sun to see if tomorrow can be different. This is a foreign place for this self-proclaimed control freak to be, but I’m willing to give it a try. Today I am choosing to step out of my routine, step out of my daily worry, step out of my control….to get to a better tomorrow. Shadow or no....I'm moving forward.

Wish me luck.