I Never Imagined...

I never imagined that I would wake up 14 days ago and become a widow.

This wasn’t the plan.   We had a life.   We laughed that morning.   We spent time together.

He told me I was beautiful.

And then he was gone.

There is so much to process and so much to say, but today I just want to vent the feelings for now.  

You were fine.   Then you weren’t.

I hope you heard me.

I hope you heard me yelling for you to come back.

I know those words between us then are etched in my memory.

I hope I did enough.

You’re gone. 

I’m empty.   Alone.

Gutted.

Wait what?   Find a funeral home by 5?

Found a funeral home.

Smoking.   I need a cigarette.

What?   Fuck.

Money.   He made the money. 

How will I live?

How will the kids finish school?

How will I keep the house.

Gutted.Tears.

Friends surround me and bring food.

Always food.

So.Much.Lasagna.

We laugh.

Wine.

We remember.   Jason.  

He was hilarious.

So many pictures.

I can’t sleep in there.   He died in there.

Fuck that room.

I want you back.  Now.

Sleep.   What’s that?

Waking up and knowing.

Knowing it’s the first day I will never see you again.

Gutted.

Meet the funeral home. 

Make arrangements.

Sign the permissions.   Say goodbye.

Credit card?   Sure.

Walk away and fall apart.

Animal noises and big tears fall.

I cannot do this.

I cannot do this.

I HAVE to do this.

Kids.

They need me.

Days on end of family and friends.

Support and food and laughter

And tears and

Sleepovers.  

Can’t be alone.

File the papers.  

Life Insurance. 401k.

No Health Insurance?

Fuck.

Gutted?

File the papers.   Let the people know.

Your husband is dead.

You’re in charge.

Sell the truck

Sell the camper

Sell the memories and dreams

Fuck.

That was his job.

I feel so stupid.

Why did I let him take care of me.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Xananx.   Sleep.

Service day.   Will. Not. Be. Sad.

No black.

Be happy.

Jason was happy.   He loved you all.

Emmet Otter, Bon Jovi, Cat Stevens

Some jokes said aloud,

Words said, Songs played.

Parkour!

.

And he’s gone.

And Monday the world starts again.

People go to work and have normal days.

Except me.

Except my kids.

Gutted.

And left with his ashes.

(too big for the urn by the way)

Just like Jason.

Big person

Big humor

Big opinions.

Big love.

Big heart.

Big broken heart.

I’m a widow.   Fucking Dammit.

But I loved.

And I remember that love.

And I cry.

And I laugh.

And I make decisions.

And I cry.

And I miss him.

Every second.