How Many Times Do I need to Fail Anatomy??

I have this recurring dream. I call it my stress dream, and it’s usually a signal to when I have something going on in my life that it is causing me anxiety. I dream that I am back in college at good ‘ol Northwest Missouri State, and I am heading into my anatomy and physiology final and I haven’t been to class all semester and I know I am going to fail. In this dream scenario, if I fail this class, I won’t graduate, and thus won’t begin a future as an adult. My parents are going to be mad at me. I’m wasting money. It’s horrible. And then I wake up. Usually breathing heavy, sometimes sweating, and feeling all tied in knots inside.

It sucks. It sucks partially because I DID fail Anatomy and Physiology TWICE in college. (one of my two F’s, the other was algebra, and I failed that one THREE times.). It sucks because I failed those classes in reality because I did give up and quit going and failed, and I probably still hold some guilt and embarrassment for that, and it sucks MOSTLY because it means that I have something in my life that I’m afraid of and I am worried about letting myself down.

Jump ahead to the past few weeks. I started a new job. Not only a new job, but a new job in a new-ish field. And did I mention I am 51 and I’ve not worked truly full time in a career for almost 20 years?

I took a job as a Registered Behavior Technician at an ABA (applied Behavior Analysis) clinic locally. I am going to be working with children with autism implementing behavior plans to help them develop skills to overcome some of the obstacles they may face because of their diagnosis. This job showed up at a time when I was struggling with what I wanted to do until retirement and truly is EXACTLY what I was looking for. A job that would help pay for my kids’ college tuition yet fill me up with the ability to help others in an area of great interest to me. Not bad for a Costume Design and Technology major, right??

So, I start the job, and IMMEDIATELY know I am going to love it. My clients are awesome, the environment is great, and I genuinely like the people I work with. But there is one huge obstacle. I must test to become credentialed by the BACB board to become a legal RBT. I have to study materials I am only somewhat familiar with, I have to take 40 hours of training, and I have to pass a proctored exam at a Pearson Testing Center. Bang. Cue the dreams.

As I studied for that test, it unearthed a lot of old feelings for me. I didn’t expect this to happen. I started to have those old feelings of worrying that I was just a fraud who somehow fooled the people at this clinic into thinking I was capable of playing a role in the life of these amazing clients. I began to worry that I’d make a joke of myself by failing the exam and proving to everyone there that I wasn’t qualified nor smart enough, nor just GOOD ENOUGH for this job I wanted so badly to succeed at.

So, I started studying. I bought practice tests. I used flash cards. And all through this process I doubted myself and my ability to learn and retain information. I doubted my ability to have the skill base to pass this exam. And through this thinking, I proceeded to fail about half of the practice tests I was taking. I said out loud “I got this!”, but on the inside I was screaming “YOU’RE GOING TO BE FOUND OUT!”

The day for the exam came last Friday. All day long as I was at work waiting, I had this over all feeling of nausea. I was sweaty. I was scared. Everyone in my office knew I was taking the exam, so I had convinced myself that Monday I was going to have to walk into the office and tell them all I was a failure. Or maybe I’d just quit. (Yeah, that crossed my mind too.)

I drove to the testing center, I signed in, and I sat and stared at the computer for what seemed like a REALLY long time. I questioned EVERY answer I made. But when I was finished, I hit submit, I turned in my pen and paper they issued me at the beginning, I collected my purse and waited for the results.

And I passed.

I literally sat there for 10 minutes reading and re-reading the letter saying “Congratulations!” I couldn’t believe I did it. I PASSED.

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, a few days out now, I guess I am realizing a few things. Number one, I need to acknowledge those dreams when they show up. They are really my brain’s subconscious way of telling me to settle down and focus. Those fears are so deeply ingrained in me that I literally have to go to sleep to feel them completely. And since I always remember when they occur, I need to mark that in my daily life and realize I am able and competent, and smart. I am NOT a fraud, I am NOT a failure, and I do have value beyond those embarrassing F's I got in college.

Secondly, I need to believe in myself. I may be embarking on a new career journey at a much later age than most of the people I work with, but those years add value to what I have to offer. Those years haven’t diminished my abilities, they have honed them into something special. They have given me perspective, life lessons, and other experiences that will benefit me in this job. I have value and worth and bring positive things to this new experience.

So….today I am excited. I’m excited to have this new job. I’m excited to be a Registered Behavior Technician. And I’m excited to say, I am 51 years old and I’m trying something new, and I am going to be great.

Old(er) dog? Perhaps. New tricks? ALWAYS! Time to approach it with confidence.