Grief is Stupid, and Guilt is a Nasty Bitch

Grief is stupid.

It’s been almost five months since My world exploded.   Five months since that day where the life I had ended, and this one began.

Because that is what it is.  It’’s a completely different life.   There is no “back to normal.”   There is only what I have now.   This stupid "new" normal.  And it’s different.  And It’s hard.

Even if I wanted to stay in that time with you, when you were here.....I can't. I can't because time keeps moving me forward, and forcing me to plan, and giving me things to do. I even manage to be happy from time to time. I am making plans. I am smiling sometimes and forgetting to feel the pain every minute.

Grief is stupid, because I never thought I would feel GUILT for being alive. 

While I was sitting in therapy today, through tears and emotion I said…..”I didn’t die that day.   I am still here.”

And that reality hit like a ton of bricks.

I DID NOT DIE THAT DAY.   I AM STILL HERE. 

What I am finding is that I have such immense guilt for looking ahead to my life.   I feel wrong making plans for the future.    I feel guilt if I don't cry. Like I'm not missing you enough. I feel like I shouldn’t be looking forward to traveling or having parties, or even laughing or living a long life. I feel guilty for seeing our kids thrive and painting the house and buying a new bed.   I just feel so damned guilty for living.

There is a part of me that feels unless I am stuck in what I lost, I am somehow disparaging the memory of Jason.   Like I am not honoring his memory, the life we shared, his life, and our love.   

As I think about it tonight, I wonder if it was his voice today in my head saying “YOU didn’t die that day.   Keep living.”  

He rescued me.   He loved me.  And he reminded me daily that I was beautiful, that I had value, and that I was important.   He gave me this beautiful life.   He made me hopeful for the future.   He allowed me to dream again.

So I’m trying.   

So. Hard.  

To keep Living.  

To stop feeling guilty for living out the life we had planned together.

I didn’t die that day.   

You did.

We did.  

But I am still here. 

And some days are good.   And some days are bad. And every day I miss you..   But I am living. I am learning to be happy in a world without you in it. Just a little bit at a time.

I am trying to find my way.

Because I deserve to live my life looking forward.  You taught me that, and I believe today you reminded me of that again.

Grief is stupid. And Guilt is a Nasty Bitch.

Thank you for reminding me that I am still here.